My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
