this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
