Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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