dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
