i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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