just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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