I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
