Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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