Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
