thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
