I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
