We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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