Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
