Cold hands, warm shart.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
