the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
