Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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