so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
