final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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