another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
