At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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