Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
