bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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