you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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