you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
