how can u be prego again
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
