I feel like abortions should bother me more
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
