His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Shame - the story of my life.
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