so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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