So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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