I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
