nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
