I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
