I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
