why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Even my vagina gasped.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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