Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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