I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
