I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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