thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
