Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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