my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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