I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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