I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
