Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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