And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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