I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
40s are totally the cure
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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