dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Of course I have a pirate flag
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
