I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
