Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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