i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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