There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
